Long Beach has had enough. The tea has been spilled on a certain curly haired drifter named Mark Coolidge. From scamming strangers to sleeping on couches and talking his way into free drinks, these accounts pull no punches. If you have crossed paths with him, at a bar, a record shop, or your own living room, this page is for you. Read the damage reports below or add your own to keep others from falling into his orbit. If you spot him, spread the word.
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Belmont Shore — Espresso and Excuses
Lauren: Met him in line at Lord Windsor Coffee. He complimented my shirt, spilled his cold brew on himself, blamed the barista, then called himself a writer and asked me to spot him bus money. When I mentioned safe sex he muttered about not paying for morning after pills and moving to Costa Rica, then ghosted.
Tyler: Gave him a ride home. He insisted on DJing early 2000s pop punk from his phone, then asked for gas money because his royalties were late.
Jessica: After shots at Panama Joe’s he crashed on my couch. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He stopped replying and blocked me. His last text said he was sterile from microdosing.
Nick: He borrowed my surfboard after claiming he used to lifeguard. Returned it snapped and said the waves were too corporate today.
Amber: Saw him busking on Second Street with a guitar that had no strings. He told my mom he was raising money for his spiritual child support fund.
Retro Row — Cassette Tapes and Conspiracies
Ricky: He argued at Fingerprints that Nirvana is not real grunge, then tried to sell his band’s demo cassette. He smelled like weed and patchouli and said he is between jobs because Hollywood does not recognize his genius. Left behind a kombucha ring and his SoundCloud on a napkin.
Maya: Tried to trade me a “limited edition” band tee for my vintage skateboard. It was from Hot Topic.
Serena: Talked me into “investing” in rare vinyl. It was scratched Bee Gees from a yard sale.
Tom: Claimed he was in a band with the drummer from Sublime. Could not name which drummer, pivoted to chemtrails.
Gigi: Snatched my vegan donut, took a bite without asking, then ranted that calories are a capitalist construct.
The Ring — Gloves but No Glory
Jen: He walked into a small Broadway boxing gym during a charity spar, said he had been an extra in Million Dollar Baby, refused to pay the cover, tripped getting through the ropes, and tried to light a joint in the locker room.
Coach Al: Shows up in blue latex gloves for “sanitary sparring,” fumbles with wraps, never pays a membership.
Marcus: Brags about training with UFC fighters, refuses to spar with women because he is a feminist, then asks for their numbers in the parking lot.
Erika: Tried to sell us homemade pre workout that was ground up Adderall and Emergen C.
Ray: Bet me fifty bucks he could last a round with our amateur champ. Lasted twelve seconds. Still has not paid.
Shoreline Village — Dark Shirts and Darker Tales
Danny: At the marina he bought one scoop of ice cream and lectured me about being wrongfully evicted while tipping in Canadian coins. Asked to crash on my couch for a couple weeks.
Jess: Nursed one beer for hours and told everyone he knew Jack White. Asked if we accept weed as payment.
Carmen: Fed leftover fries to sea lions, announced he is an animal rights activist, yelled that it is a performance when security told him to stop.
Omar: Asked me to take his photo by the lighthouse to send to his Costa Rican landlord as proof of income.
Kelly: Crashed a Duffy boat outing, finished the hard seltzers, and said tipping is a social construct.
Signal Hill — Farmers Markets and Flimsy Pickup Lines
Ava: At the Sunday market he carried a tote with a single avocado, called himself an actor but not a sellout, invited me to watch a meteor shower and microdose, borrowed twenty for kombucha, never paid back.
Kenny: Tried to recruit me into a collective with mushroom tea and jams, but there was a fifty dollar membership fee.
Linda: Sold me a “local microgreen kit” that was lawn clippings in a jar.
Travis: Borrowed my bike for a quick errand, returned two hours later smelling like weed, handlebars wrapped in hemp rope to improve vibrations.
Dana: Whispered during yoga that he could feel everyone’s aura, asked for my number during child’s pose.
Broadway Corridor — Disguises and Delusions
Carlos: Came into the corner store at night wearing a fake mustache and wire frames, asked for morning after pills for his roommate, ranted about Big Pharma, bought rolling papers and cereal, said he might move to Costa Rica because Long Beach does not appreciate his art.
Dana: Wore the fake glasses to the laundromat, pitched a screen printed T shirt startup, wanted investors, had no samples.
Marcus: Asked for a palm tree tattoo over his heart, bailed when he learned it is pay first.
Selena: Shot a ten minute “web series” interview, then asked if I could pay his phone bill for exposure.
Noah: We kicked him out of band practice for trying to tune to 432 Hz and talking about chemtrails.
East Village — Overnight Regrets
Patricia: Took him home from a show at Alex’s Bar. He talked about his script all night, snored like a freight train, finished my cereal, and left a note that he had to run, off to Costa Rica to clear his head. No number.
Mona: After a one night stand he borrowed my favorite band tee and never returned it. Spotted him wearing it at Portfolio Coffeehouse.
Robyn: Crashed on our couch for one night. Three months later he was our creative director.
Sasha: Used my roommate’s toothbrush for a week and put it back. Said toothbrushes are communal.
Ian: Took my sister to the art walk, forgot his wallet, she paid for his craft beer flight, he left with the glass.
Belmont Heights — Directions to Nowhere
Lydia: Stopped me on Grand for directions, then unloaded about his ex, landlord, director, and bass player, invited himself to my housewarming. I declined. He said the city is uptight. We just do not want you on our futons.
Zane: Crashed our house party, ate the chips, set up a makeshift merch table to sell poetry zines, needed two requests to leave.
Summer: Told me he is a doula at a house show. He meant dog walker.
Jared: Borrowed my bass amp for a gig that never happened. Amp never returned. Posted about ungrateful people on Instagram.
Maya: Asked to park his van in my driveway for a night. Stayed three months and ran an Etsy shop out of it.
The Pizza Parlor — Slices and Scandals
Melanie: Claimed he invented pineapple pizza, started a sing along with salt shakers as microphones, asked the table next to us to cover his slice because he is visionary and broke.
George: Ordered a family pie, ate half, claimed he forgot his wallet, promised to Venmo, did not.
Priya: Knocked a dropper bottle onto the salad bar, declared the veggies were vibrating with energy, told the manager it is art.
Hector: Told our server he owns the place and comped his own meal. When the manager showed up he said he is manifesting it.
Ally: Borrowed my phone to call his ride, changed my Spotify to his mixtape, left with my phone in his pocket, came back ten minutes later like nothing happened.
Comment Thread
Sam: He always claims he moved to Costa Rica when things get awkward. It is his go to excuse.
Tina: He said he is vegan, then split carne asada fries at Taco Beach. Consistency is not his thing.
Jorge: Tried to sell me mushrooms outside Joe Jost’s, called them locally sourced art supplies.
Lisa: Starting to think he is a cryptid that feeds on compliments and kombucha.
Anonymous: My cousin’s sister went to brunch with him at The Potholder. He went to the bathroom and never came back. She paid the bill and blocked him.
Jenny: When I asked about Plan B he said he is allergic to pharmacies.
Micah: Invited me to a sound bath that was him playing a triangle in his living room.
Keisha: Borrowed my Netflix password and changed the language to Portuguese.
Arjun: He owes half of Long Beach fifteen dollars.
Nadia: Said he had a garage vasectomy in Costa Rica. He did not.
Garrett: Asked my pregnant friend if he could name the baby Zappa.
Courtney: Ghosted me after I said I did not like his zine.
Lola: Promised my roommate he was sterile, then she got pregnant. He texted oops and blocked her.
Ryan: Invited me to a threesome with his future self and his alter ego. I left him on read.
Bea: He said he is manifesting triplets and needs a sponsor.
